Lassiter Has an Interesting Day
by Lizzie Foster
Summary: Lassiter's day begins ordinarily enough but a series of odd events disrupts the orderly operation of the world. And Lassiter hates it when the world isn't operating properly! A little Lassie/Juliet at the end.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic on ! Yay! Please comment! I'm more than willing to listen to advice and make alterations.**

Carlton Lassiter waited in line to get his coffee, glancing at his watch with an impatient sigh. He wished he could flash his badge and skip to the front but Chief Vick saw that as an "abuse of power". However, it was Lassiter's opinion that risking his life to protect justice should earn him the right to get his coffee first.

The woman in front of him was making an order that sounded more like an essay than java. Lassiter tapped his foot with a frown. He wished complicated orders were illegal so he could arrest this lady and get his coffee already! Finally she finished with, "and rainbow sprinkles on top" and moved out of the way so Lassiter could take his place at the coveted front of the line.

"Quadruple Americano. Tall." He said, wallet in hand. See? How hard was it to order coffee? It had taken Lassiter a grand total of five seconds. And who asked for rainbow sprinkles on their mocha anyway? He pulled a crinkled five-dollar bill from his wallet and offered it to the young, lady cashier.

"Oh, no charge, sir. The woman in front of you asked to pay for your coffee." She replied. Lassiter looked down the length of the counter at the woman, who was waiting for her order. She smiled and waved. Lassiter didn't respond. He looked down at the rumpled bill in his hand. He really didn't want this woman to pay for his order but as a keeper of the peace he certainly couldn't allow his coffee to be paid for twice. It would mean anarchy. So, finally, he hesitantly returned the five to his wallet and moved out of the line. He shuffled down to the other end of the counter, leaving a few feet of empty air between himself and this strange woman. People who paid for other people's coffee, especially his, were probably up to no good.

"Hi." The woman said. Lassiter glanced sideways at her.

"Hello." He replied shortly. He wished the workers would hurry up and make her coffee so she would leave.

"My name's Amber." She said, offering him her hand. He shook it promptly and then turned away.

"Carlton Lassiter." He replied quickly. He glanced at his watch.

"Running late?' she asked, casually drumming her fingers on the counter.

"Yeah."

Silence.

Well, even if she was probably up to no good, Lassiter didn't want to seem rude so he said:

"Thanks for the coffee."

She turned to look at him and smiled. "Anytime."

"Amber?" a teenage worker called, holding up a cup.

"That's me!" Amber chimed, reaching over the counter and taking the cup. Lassiter gave an inward sigh of relief. He hated the awkward conversations that people insisted on initiating with complete strangers. Couldn't they just get their coffee in peace and quiet and allow others to do the same?

Amber took a sip with a contented expression. "See you around, Carlton." She said before turning to leave. He certainly hoped not.

"Carlton?" a second worker called. Lassiter accepted the cup and walked past the long line of people to get to the exit. He couldn't help but notice several female heads turn as he walked past. He found it extremely unnerving.


	2. Chapter 2

While driving to work Lassiter was cut off by a feisty blonde in a red convertible and, although extremely miffed and tempted to pull her over, he found her rudeness reassuring after the uncharacteristic attention from the female patrons of the coffee shop. The world was officially back to normal. Or so he thought.

There was a spring in his step as he walked from his personal parking space, up the steps, and through the front doors of the SBPD. He sipped his coffee and nodded to Officer McNab.

"Good morning, Detective." the receptionist greeted cheerfully. Lassiter was thrown off guard for a moment but he dismissed it quickly.

"Nice tie, Detective." a female coworker commented. Well, Lassiter rationalized, it _was_ a new tie and it _was_ nice. Women usually noticed that kind of thing. It wasn't out of the ordinary.

"Good morning, Detective Lassiter." said another woman as he passed. "Lookin' sharp."

That did it. Lassiter stopped and looked after her suspiciously. Something was off. Not once in his eleven and a half years at the SBPD had he received so much attention just walking to his desk.

"Morning Carlton!" said a cheerful voice behind him. He turned to see O'Hara skipping toward him. Finally! A sane female.

As she came closer, her facial expression changed slightly and she looked Lassiter up and down with admiration. "Wow! You look great!"

Lassiter glanced at himself in the reflection from the glass around the Chief's office. He was wearing an old suit and his hair was the same as it always was. He knew he always looked great but why was suddenly everyone noticing?

"Did Spencer put you up to this?" Lassiter asked, turning back to Juliet. Her smile widened.

"What do you mean?" she asked dreamily. He glared.

"Fine. Keep playing your little game." He pushed passed her and draped his suit jacket on the back of his chair and rolled up his sleeves. There was a stack of files waiting for him on his desk and sighed angrily.

"O'Hara!" he shouted, turning. He was startled to discover that she had followed him and was standing at his elbow, a step or two closer that was necessary. He moved away and she moved closer.

"Yes, Carlton?" she asked, smiling. Lassiter had forgotten what he was upset about.

"Could you… move away please?" he said, leaning away from her. She grinned and took a step back. Lassiter shook his head to refocus and it must've jarred his memory as well because he suddenly remembered why he had wanted her in the first place. "I need you to file these." He said, picking up the stack of files from his desk and pushing them into her arms. Then he watched for her reaction with narrowed eyes.

"Sure thing!"

Something was seriously wrong. O'Hara hated doing paperwork, especially for Lassiter. Spencer must've bribed her and every other female in the department to be extra nice to him just to mess with his mind. Well, Lassiter wasn't going to let Shawn Spencer, Psychic Dork, get to him. And if it meant that Juliet had to do his paperwork, he was going to take advantage of it.

"Well, go do it." Lassiter said, dismissing her with a wave of his hand. He turned back to his desk, sifting through the remaining papers. There were several notices. Nothing exciting. A little old lady who claimed her cat had been kidnapped by Al Capone and such. He made an executive decision to file them away in the garbage can.

"Lassiter!" the chief's voice echoed through the police station. Carlton looked up as she appeared in the doorway of her office. She did not look pleased. "In here, _now_." She commanded. Lassiter sighed and dutifully followed her into the room.

"Close the door." She ordered, sitting stiffly at her desk. She looked at him with a glower.

"Is something wrong?" Lassiter asked, crossing his arms across his chest stubbornly and stepping forward. The chief opened her mouth to speak but stopped. Then she closed her mouth and smiled at him. Lassiter would have preferred it if she had yelled.

"When's the last time I gave you a bonus?" she asked sweetly.

"Uh, that would be never." Lassiter replied bluntly. This was very odd behavior from the chief and it increased his suspicion of all women in general.

"Well, then! I think it's about time I gave you one!" she said. She pulled a pen and a check from her desk and scribbled for a few moments. She handed Lassiter the slip when it was complete. "For all your hard work. It's long overdue." She said cheerfully. Lassiter looked at the amount.

"Five hundred dollars?" he asked incredulously. "Chief, this is—"

"A fair amount for all you do for the SBPD." She finished for him with that unnerving, Stepford-esque air that all the women in the world seemed to have adopted lately.

"I was going to say inappropriate but I like your way better." Lassiter replied, folding the check and tucking it away in his pocket. Not to say that he wasn't disturbed by the chief's sudden kindness. He was. But he wasn't going to turn down a check for five hundred dollars either. Besides, the chief was right. It was long overdue.


	3. Chapter 3

He returned to his desk and began filling out reports and the like. It was tedious work but it had to be done in order to keep the world operating neatly. And Lassiter hated it when the world wasn't running smoothly, so he did his paperwork.

"Good morning, Lassie!" chimed an all-too familiar, particularly unwanted voice. Lassiter groaned as Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster, the Disastrous Duo, approached his desk.

"Is there any specific reason for you two to annoy me today?" Lassiter asked with a sarcastic smile.

"Just checking in with my team." Spencer replied gamely.

"And there's only reruns on T.V." Guster added.

The two were now at his desk and there was a pause in their usually constant stream of inane banter as they both sniffed the air tentatively.

"Lassie…" Spencer began slowly, "are you wearing… _cologne?_"

Lassiter sat up straight and glanced around him.

"It was a gift." He replied quickly. Guster sniffed again.

"That's not just any cologne." He said. "That's Clive Christian No. 1 for Men! That's a seven hundred dollar bottle of perfume!"

"It's not perfume!" Lassiter snapped defensively. The other two men leaned in closer for a better whiff. Carlton stood up quickly, moving back and knocking over his chair in the process.

"Smells like… money." Spencer commented casually.

"I believe what you're smelling is the fine, exotic ingredients imported directly from their natural sources all around the world." Guster replied.

"Please stop making remarks about the way I smell." Carlton said, putting up his hands between himself and them.

"I filed your paperwork!" O'Hara chirped happily, appearing at his elbow. "Can I do anything else? Get your coffee? How about I hang up your jacket?" She didn't wait to be asked and took his coat from the back of his chair. She held it to her chest and buried her nose in its folds as she walked away with it. The three men stared after her in stunned silence.

"Okay." Spencer said at last. "That was creepy."

The other two nodded in silent, dumfounded agreement.

"Lassiter, you have to stop wearing that cologne." Guster said.

"Stop wearing it?" Spencer exclaimed in outrage. "Are you serious? This is a goldmine!"

"No, no, I want this to stop." Lassiter replied uneasily. Spencer crossed around to the other side of the desk and put his arm around the detective.

"You're missing the big picture here!" he said. "As long as you keep wearing that stuff you've got every woman on earth wrapped around your little finger! Don't tell me you're going to let that chance go by. You'll be like Remington Steele, infiltrating the secret workings of females in order to solve crime!" He let Lassiter dwell on that for a moment before adding, "And probably get a few cupcakes in the mix."

As appealing as the prospect of free cupcakes was, Lassiter was hesitant. "I don't—"

"Just try it!" Spencer implored. "And bring me a cupcake."

"Spencer?" Lassiter finally said.

"Yes, Carlton?"

"Stop touching me."

Spencer put his other arm around Lassiter in an awkward embrace and Guster soon joined them by also putting his arms around the increasingly angry police officer. Juliet spotted the group hug from across the room and hurriedly skipped over so that she could take place in the office cuddle session. She took advantage of the moment to inhale as much of Clive Christian No. 1 for Men as she could from Lassiter's shirt. Soon every other passing female had joined in the embrace, all taking deep breaths and sighing contentedly.

"This is nice." Spencer said after a few seconds.

"Get off me!" Lassiter snapped, detangling himself from the group. He paused for a moment, looking a little perplexed, and then looked down at his white shirt.

"Where's my tie?" he asked.


	4. Chapter 4

Lassiter retrieved his tie from the large knot of female employees with some difficulty and then returned to his paperwork, which he worked on for the rest of the day. He jumped every time anyone ventured to his desk to speak to him, afraid of being mobbed by a gaggle of cologne-crazed women. There was no way that a few cupcakes and a bonus were worth this constant state of apprehension and anxiety.

"Hey, Carlton." said a soft voice, startling Lassiter and causing him to draw a long line of pen across the report he was working on. He looked up to see Juliet standing in front of his desk. Just as Shawn Spencer had predicted, she was holding a red velvet cupcake, which she shyly presented to him.

"Here." she said simply. "I got that for you."

There was something so childlike and innocent about the small offering that Lassiter couldn't help but be a little taken aback. He accepted the gift with a quiet, "thanks." Juliet smiled and he couldn't help but reciprocate the expression.

"It's getting late." she said. Lassiter looked up and saw through the Venetian blinds that night had fallen on Santa Barbara.

"I just need to finish this report." he said, returning to his writing with a little more haste, eager to go home and shower off that accursed cologne. There was silence for a few moments.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" Juliet said at last. Lassiter stopped writing and slowly looked up at her.

"No."

Juliet grinned. "Wanna walk down to the pier and get polish dogs?"

Lassiter jumped out of his chair and snatched his jacket from where it was laying on top of his desk.

"More than anything."

He draped his coat over one arm and started walking toward the door with Juliet. Then, hesitantly, he put his other arm around her shoulders.

And she didn't shrug it away.

Maybe this cologne stuff wasn't so bad after all…

Fin


End file.
